Three Such Moments
There have been moments of second guessing and questioning our decision to homeschool, but those moments never seem to last for long.
I have found myself on the back deck after a day that wasn’t our best, head in my hands, mournfully thinking, “This isn’t what I wanted homeschooling to look like. To feel like...Should we be doing this?”
And then there are days when I am caught off guard and can’t believe I get to do this with them.
Recently I had three such moments all within a span of three days.
The first was watching Edley give a presentation to her co-op class.
There she was, so big-girl-like, answering questions and comfortably speaking in front of people.
My eyes started to swell, not out of pride for how much she’s grown and how well she was doing - although that was there - but because I was able to just be there to witness it.
As I stood in the doorway, I wondered if Edley would have any recollection of this when she gets older. I unexpectedly started tearing up remembering all the times my mom showed up for me and wondered if this was how she felt standing there and realizing how much I took it for granted and how ungrateful I was.
She was always there. I’m so sorry I didn’t appreciate it in the moment.
A short time later, I went outside and watched Avett and his class of boys scream in excitement as they set off rockets and learned about gases and pressure and chemical reactions…all the things I know very little about.
I loved that all the boys were smiling and laughing as they shouted, “What if we do ___? What if we use less water? What if we add 3 tablets?”
And then more running away and screaming.
All on an absolutely clear blue sky day.
The emotions stuck in my throat and I was grateful to have sunglasses on so no-one could see the tears that were again rolling out of my eyes.
Maybe it’s perimenopause, but its mostly my parent’s diagnosis (and dealing with aging myself) that I feel like I am being slapped in the face with the reality that time is fleeting.
These moments are precious.
We all know this, it’s a given.
Nothing profound here.
But man, the sense of my own mortality is heavy right now and the fact that one day, I will be in my parents’ place or won’t be here for my children.
It’s hard to swallow.
But I get to be here for them now.
They are happy.
I love seeing them happy.
It makes me happy.
The hard days come - it came the next day, in fact - but the hard days don’t erase these moments.
And after the hard day came a joyful day.
We went to the Adventure Science Center and that’s where I had my third moment.
Watching all 4 lined up against a screen giggling and making funny faces, I was hit by the memory of where we were almost four years ago to the day.
December 2021 and I took Aubyn and Embry to the Adventure Science Center for our last outing before stopping homeschooling.
It was bittersweet.
We knew school would be a good choice for us and what we needed to do in the season, but it was the end of our homeschool journey.
A journey that lasted only a year and a half.
We did it coming out of Covid and enjoyed it…until we hit some speed bumps.
I started working, Edley was 2, and Avett a very active 4 year old. Aubyn and I were butting heads and Embry refused to try to learn to read.
With everything going on, it was too much.
I knew at the time that I would always look back on the season of homeschooling with fondness, despite the struggles.
It was like we lived in our own little magical world - a season in our lives that couldn’t be replicated.
But standing here now, watching my kids grown up and in different stages, it dawned on me that we had come full circle.
I never thought we would be in this situation again, but here we were literally in the exact same place we were 4 years ago.
We got another chance.
It is different in so many ways, but still special.
Yes they went off to school and liked it, but this seems right for our family.
I love watching the four laughing and rebuilding relationships with one another.
Seeing them together…
God had whispered months ago that this year wasn’t about homework, it was about heart work, and I see it happening all around me…from my kids, to my marriage, to the relationship with my parents.
Our hearts are healing.
So these three seemingly small and insignificant moments that no one around me would have even taken notice of, got me.
It was an emotionally rough week, which made these three moments weightier than they might have been a few weeks ago, but it made them all the more poignant.
God reminds me over and over that I get to raise my kids and that they are a blessing, even when it is hard. But oh what a gift to be here and I sense heavily that I will really miss these days when they are gone.
These four precious children that I get to love and nurture and enjoy the company of.
I’m so hard on them sometimes, but there is a softness that’s falling over us and I pray it remains so that when they are adults standing in the doorway watching their child’s presentation, they’ll think back to their childhood and remember the warmth of being loved.
