Homeschool - 1 Year Ago
I never hit publish on this one because the emotions were too raw and I was a mess. I’m sitting here forcing myself to write about the start of this year so I can remember it when I realized I never shared what God put on my heart last year. So here you go (or here I go so I can have a record of how things actually were)…
“What? You’re homeschooling? How’s it going so far?”
If you’ve asked me this question over the past two months, you’ve probably received different answers from me.
The first month? Brutal.
The second month? Much better, thank God.
If you saw me in the first month and I joked about military academy or boarding school, here’s why.
There was so many big emotions. So much conflict and ugliness.
Every day brought some new emotional challenge. So much so that one week I found myself crying on a walk, on the back steps, in the bathroom, at the kitchen table, and to Justin.
I felt like a failure and that I was screwing up my kids. Why was everyone so angry at one another and so ornery?
Did we make the wrong decision and should we put them back in school?
Why were we on the receiving end of some of the most hurtful things a child can say?
It sucked. Plain and simple.
It all felt so heavy and was coming from every child. I wanted to give up.
And then I snapped.
One of my kids was yelling at me and I just left the house.
Don’t worry…I didn’t go far.
I quietly turned away, walked out the front door, and went for a walk.
“Holy Spirit, what in the world is going on? How do I do this? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong that all of this discontent and ugliness is happening? I thought we were a happy loving family, but I feel anger all around me and within me and I’m scared. What is my next step?”
Thank goodness I don’t have to walk this walk alone and fortunately I wasn’t alone that morning.
God was with me.
He put it on my heart that this year is not about school work, it’s about heart work. It’ll be a crash course, but also a master class.
A lot of fears and insecurities exist whether we are in school or not, but being home has allowed them to rise to the surface to where they are very visible.
What’s beautiful, albeit painful, is that the concerns have been brought to light and we can address them.
Typically, I tend to want to give up when a challenge arises. I run and hide until the threat is gone, but it became clear to me that this is when I needed to lean in.
Time to put on the big girl pants and show up.
Sending them back to school might alleviate the symptoms but it would not make the problems go away and that’s not what we want for them.
I want wholeness for my kids.
Not perfection.
Not the right behavior.
But wholeness.
God encouraged me that this year was for healing, but I didn’t realize it would be for my family. There are underlying things that we’ve been able to ignore because they only rise up under pressure, and that first month, we all were under pressure as we each adapted to our new lifestyle.
So what have I learned in our first month being home together?
I love the home part but not so much the school part.
Our rhythm has slowed immensely and we are able to enjoy being together without constantly rushing out the door. I love lingering on the soccer fields after practice and letting the kids play on the playground. I love our slower mornings and not yelling at the kids to grab all their stuff and get in the car before we’re late…again. I cherish the walks I’ve been able to take in the morning with Avett, just the two of us, getting to hear his thoughts and heart. Or reading with the kids on the deck swing. I enjoy impromptu ice skating early in the morning and watching the kids have the rink all to themselves. I love seeing them enjoy one another and use their imaginations to come up with the most random ideas. The togetherness, while challenging, is the beauty we all long for.
As for the school part…that’s been trickier. I naively thought we could do a one size fits all approach and my kids quickly showed me that was not the case.
Not even close.
So taking time to figure out what works best for each has been challenging, but that’s also the beauty of homeschooling. We don’t have to do a one size fits all approach like a classroom. We get to pick and choose depending on learning styles and strengths and weaknesses. It’s pretty amazing when I remember that and don’t get bogged down by the idea we need to have a textbook that we go through start to finish and have all the pages marked off.
But the hardest part?
I learned several things I needed to learn. I can not lead others well if I’m not leading myself first. I have to be disciplined with my time so that I can teach them to be disciplined with theirs. God loves order, not chaos.
How do I bring order to our home? How do I set the day up for success? It starts with the heartbeat of our home - the kitchen. Is it a mess or is it peaceful? Seems like a housekeeping detail, but it really does affect us and how we start our day.
Basically, I need to get my act together before I can expect my kids to get their acts together.
That doesn’t mean we have a strict regimented schedule, but there are certain pegs we need to have in place for each day to make it a success.
So we left traditional school and are doing it on our own.
Full of unplanned interruptions, long pauses, impromptu adventures, and hopefully some learning along the way!
